Why do we seek for toxic guys?

There are two types of guys: The one that loves you from the bottom of his heart, who probably works his ass off to support you and faithfully lies next to you each night. The one you know who is excited to see you, who you know will be happy when you call and who replies to all of your texts. The one who is thinking about you before he falls asleep. The one that provides security and feeling of home.

Then, there is this other type. The one you can’t trust whether he is what he claims to be. The one who just replies to your texts when he is bored or when he wants something. The one who calls you when no one else is there for him. The one who is unpredictable and untamed. The one who makes you laugh in a moment and cry your eyes out in the next. The one you know who is toxic for you.

Sometimes it seems as if we are really having fun falling in love with the wrong type of men, the toxic ones. Almost every woman has mourned over a guy who made her feel like she is not worthy of his love. Often, we are struck by exactly the kind of men whom we simply cannot have.

But why do we get so attached to these kind of guys? Why do we want them so much? Why does it seem like we always fall in love with the wrong type of men?

There is a psychological explanation for this: When someone who is unhappily in love, the same regions of the brain are activated as after drug consumption.

When we consume drugs, our brain feels rewarded and the same happens when we fall in love with an unattainable guy. Our brain sends „reward“ signals. Just as one becomes addicted to drugs, one becomes addicted to this unattainability.

And the bad thing is: the less interest a man shows to us, the more we want to have him. Because every time he sends a signal that he also wants us, we get the feeling of being rewarded. We feel like being something special for an unattainable guy.

In this way, this type of man makes us feel alive. He give us a reason to look forward to tomorrow. To dress up in our most beautiful skirt. To make him jealous with Instagram photos. To show the world how beautiful we really are. He pushes us to grow every day. To hit the gym just to look better for him. He makes us buy a new dress and get a new haircut. Just so that he might like us more.

And the bad thing is: the lower you feel, the more you will cry over him and suddenly when he will appear, the better you will feel again!

He makes us question ourselves, our moves, our actions: Did I do anything wrong? Did I text too much? Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too old? Too young? And suddenly, when his name appears again on our phone, we get the answer (at least for a short time): No, I was great! He likes me! He, the unattainable man likes me! I must be something special!

So, we look for a guy who makes us sad, destroys us, hurts us as hell in one moment. Only to feel wanted and irresistible when he suddenly appears again. To get rewarded again. That’s the exciting thing about toxic people, you never know what will happen next.

I think that’s the reason why we still keep seeking toxic people even though we know that they are not good for us. Because we’re worried that a healthy relationship will be too ordinary, passion and excitement won’t follow us into a stable relationship. We are scared that there won’t be any passionate kisses or hard laughter unless they’re balanced out with screaming fights and tears.

But that’s wrong! There’s someone out there that will bring excitement into your life without dragging darkness along with him. You don’t have to settle for love that consists of high highs and low lows. You can have the good without the bad.

Toxic guys might make you feel alive for a moment. But the right one will make you feel alive for a lifetime. So, don’t cry for a man that is even not worth it. Because the toxic man makes you cry, while the right man will dry your tears and make you cry from laughter. (Please check also out my post on how to be single and happy!)

About the Author

blogger, traveller, phd student, enthusiastic about life, love and laughing

(4) Comments

  1. Julia says:

    I think you’re totally right! I also was used to following a toxic guy. But eventually I quit and it was the best I could ever do! Thanks for sharing mister brightside!

  2. Khalisha pyqae says:

    Wow.this post just explains me in another world.
    Am enlightened, i got to bring a change in my relationship life.
    Thanks alot.

    1. Mr.Brightside says:

      Thank you for your Feedback! It makes me very happy to help you 🙂

  3. Rick Gaylor says:

    Hi, Phillip.
    Never easy to understand why we often choose „the players“ instead of sincere mates. I think we, because of our natural insecurities that result from being made to feel guilty and shame for being LGBT+, often seek out those who appear full of life and are a tad bit „naughty.“ When I finally came out at 49 yrs old, having gone the path of pressurised hetero marriage, I looked for anyone who oozed with fun and life. But, they were always players who needed an instant dose of fun. Nothing ever came of a relationship. And soon, I was back at the bottom of the emotional heap of manure. After a few years of this, I decided to just surround myself with the gay community and supporting friends/family. Finally in 2011, I met my soulmate who had been through several toxic guys. We’ve been together since then and got married in 2014. We both were married to women prior. We have a typical marriage with its up and downs. But no toxic, drama relationship. We laugh, cry, cuddle, and just plain work out our marriage everyday. We still both deal with insecurities. Yet we do it together. We talk. No head games. Those who play games truly need to be avoided for anything serious. They don’t know or understand how to choose to live and work out a long lasting relationship. Look for that one man who just wants to spend time with you because of you. Thank you for letting me write my book in response to your insightful blog. Rick from Pennsylvania, USA

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