We often act like being single is one of the hardest penalties life can offer you. We act like just because we are single that means that we are going to die alone. It means that we are never finding our soul mate. We don’t have time to stop, to think about ourselves, about our dreams and aims in life. We keep on running, looking for our soul mate, feeling like we are running out of time. Have to be faster, have to look further, have to climb higher. We have to be skinner, have to be smarter. Because otherwise no one will ever love us.
But that’s not true, absolutely not true.
Many people often jump from relationship to relationship because they fear being alone (me too). I fell in love young and I got my heart broke young. I thought I needed to be with someone after that, I thought I would only be happy if I found someone to love me, because I didn’t love myself. I pushed for relationships with guys who lied to me, guys who mistreated me. But I thought that was better than being alone, because I didn’t know how to be alone, nor did I want to try because being alone can be scary. I wanted attention, I wanted to feel special and wanted. So my entire life I jumped from one relationship to another.
And it felt good for a while, I felt wanted, I felt loved. But just as long as the other one gave me the feeling to be loved, as long as I received their whole attention I felt beautiful, I felt important and I felt right. But in the moment, when they took back their attention, when they spend time with other people or were busy I started feeling weak again, feeling small, unimportant, unwanted and lonely. It was a hard time of joy and hurts. I gave up myself just to satisfy a guy. I lost myself, I lost my own feelings, my needs and dreams just to make someone else happy and to have someone who shows me that I am good.
Finally I decided enough was enough. I decided I didn’t want to be that guy. I decided it was time to respect myself and I challenged myself to be alone.
And so I challenge you to be alone, too.
Today I challenge you to be alone because once you’re alone you will find back to yourself, to who you really are. You fell back in love again with the most important person in your life: with yourself!
Most people fear being single, while it can be so healing, you can learn so much about yourself, about your values and your dreams. And this is so important. So before you can have a new, healthy, extraordinary and wonderful relationship it is very important to be for your own just for a while – a few months. And to enjoy this time, to get to know you better! Here I have some tips for you to be single and to enjoy it.
1. Know yourself.
You have to know who you are and what your limits and standards are. A lot of people don’t know who they really are, don’t know what they really need and want, so they spend their entire time, finding out, what other people need, trying to satisfy the needs of the one they love, trying to be perfect to them. But before you can love someone else, before you can satisfy their needs, you have to care for yourself.
So before you can take care of yourself, you need to know yourself better. Here I have some questions, which might help you, discovering yourself, your needs, aims and values:
- What are my most important needs? What do I like? What kind of food do I like? Which people in my life make me feel good? What is my favorite sport? Do I like to hang out home, or to go to party?
- What do I not like? What does make me feel sad or bad or unworthy? Which people in my life make me feel sick? In which situations do I feel uncomfortable?
- What are my standards and my limits? What are my values? Which characteristics does a person have to stay in my life? Is it honesty, loyalty, beauty, intelligence?
- What are my strengths and what my weaknesses? What can I do very good and what less good?
I admit, it sounds like a questionnaire of a dating platform. Yes and it is absolutely the same thing: Because it is all about getting to know yourself better. And then about falling in love with you and your wonderful life (again).
2. Care for yourself.
If you get back to yourself, to your own needs, your wishes, to what you like and what you don’t like: Congratulations! Then you made a great step towards happiness. Because now you can achieve whatever you want. You can start living the life you always wanted to life and start doing what makes you happy, eventually satisfying your own needs instead of someone else’s.
So whatever you want to do, if it’s within your own values and morals, just do it. If you want to wear makeup, do it. If you want to dye your hair green, do it. If you want to have a meal alone, go for it. Go to the cinema. Take a bath. Read a book. Buy yourself a new dress, or some flowers, or the wonderful necklace you saw in the store window last week. If you want to, travel around the world. Just do whatever you want to. I mean, you’re already single as you are so you have nothing to lose by just doing what you want. It is really time to be who you really are. You can do whatever you want and show your crazy sides.
Eat alone. Go out alone. Watch a movie alone. Sleep alone. Workout alone. Be alone. Learn yourself. Enjoy your company. Take yourself out on dates. Learn how to do things alone and eventually you will start to like yourself.
3. Get in shape.
Now that you are single it is the big chance to become the person you always wanted to be. Are there any character traits or other things in your life you always wanted to change? What kind of person do you want to be? Laugh more often? Read more? Get up earlier? Workout regularly? Be braver, more honest, selfish, extroverted? Now you have time to change these traits, to become the one you always wanted to be.
Maybe you want to change your style? It helps you to feel different, to see the change of yourself directly. So hit the gym and get in shape! You’ll feel so much better, and so you’ll have more confidence. It also may help you to start completely new, to close the last chapter of your life, by changing your look. Maybe get a new haircut, a new makeup, a new styling.
Quit with old habits. And change your environment. Clear out your apartment. Say goodbye to old stuff that you do not need anymore or which pulls you down. It also helps you to quit the old chapter of your book and to start over new.
4. Be grateful. Not hateful.
Hating someone else is a waste of time. Anger doesn’t realize that the past is over, that the damage has been done. It tells you that just vengeance will fix things. But eventually the past is over, the damage has been done and there is no way to redo things. However, as long as you hate the person who hurt you, you will never be able to finish with the past, to go on. So you really need to forgive people to go on, to eventually let them go.
Forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. It means knowing that the past is over. It accepts that there is no magic solution to the damage that’s been caused. However, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are giving up all of your power. Forgiveness means you are finally ready to take it back and to go on.
After you stopped hating the one who hurt you, you finally can go on. You can focus on your life and start living again. Instead of being hateful, instead of feeling anger for the one who hurt you, you can be thankful for the wonderful moments you lived together and be thankful for the lessons you learned. You can learn so much from heartache. So concentrate on the things that went wrong and try to learn. Ask yourself what you can do better next time. So you can start growing.
You also should concentrate on the things you still have. I know sometimes it seems easier to focus on what we don’t have, what we lost, on the hurts we felt in life, rather than what we (still) do have. However, it is so important to take time out and remember all of the things to be thankful for that many of us take for granted. So count your blessings regularly! Enjoy every moment you are alive and be thankful for what you have. Here are just some examples of what you can be so thankful for: Good health, money in the Bank, good friends, your family, weekends, opportunity to get an education, having a home, cars, laughter, sunshine, a nice cup of tea, time for reading your favorite book, rainbows, employment.
Enjoy the little things in life, be thankful for what you have, because one day it might be too late and one day you’ll realize that the small things in life, the cup of coffee with your best friend and the dinner with your mom, were the big things that made your life special!
5. Have good friends! Reconnect with old friends and meet new people.
Family and friends are very important in your life. They are there for you even when your love just left you. So don’t be that kind of person that forgets friends when you are meeting someone new. Please stay in touch! Have friends that accept you for the crazy person that you are and be grateful for them.
Now that you are single you can use this to reconnect with old friends. Just call someone you haven’t talked to for years. Also you should go out and meet new people. It’s a good way to improve your self-esteem and to learn more about yourself, how other people see you and how you react to new people. So go out, join a sport or music club, get a drink in a bar alone, visit new places just to meet new people. Speak to foreign people. Surely it takes a lot of courage but it’s worth it. You will see how much you will grow.
6. Have a Power playlist.
Music transports emotions and can make you feel so much better (or even sadder). When we are sad, when we feel lonely or have heartache, we tend to listen to very sad songs to feel much sadder, to cry as much as possible and to pity ourselves. And that is good – sometimes and for a (short) period of time! But we have to go on; we can’t sink into self-pity for the rest of our life.
So if you’re clever, you can use music to get in a better mood, to feel happier and to look on the bright side of life 🙂 So make a playlist of songs that make you go like “Relationship for whom? Not me!” Play them at full blast whenever you think about your ex or when you feel lonely as a single. You will see how fast it works!
Here are some of my favorite songs of my “Whatevaaa”-Playlist:
- Jason Derulo ‘Ridin’ Solo’
- Meghan Trainor ‘NO’
- Cassy ‘Long way to go’
You can also look at youtube for ‘Playlists for single people’.
7. Have a dream and focus on it.
Like I just mentioned, one of the most important rules of happiness in life is to do what makes you happy and what you love. So now it is time for you to discover what you really want from life, what is your big dream? A lot of people don’t know what they really want; they don’t have big dreams or at least don’t follow them. Instead they are looking for mister (or misses) right, for a prince or princess who saves them, who brings them enlightenment and gives them purpose. They are focusing their whole attention on finding this person and when they believe they have found them, they do everything to make the person happy. And forget themselves.
So please don’t be one of them. Please don’t focus on someone else’s dream. Easier said than done (I know!), here is the solution:
Decide what it is you want.
Write that shit down.
Make a fucking plan.
Work on it.
So focus your attention on your dream and just realize it. Yes, you can fall. But at the end we only regret the chances we missed. Now that you are single you are in the position where you can do what you want, move where you want, work how much you want and so on! Do what it is that makes you happy and live for it.
8. Stay powerful. Be picky. Don’t fall too fast.
The easiest path to a happy relationship is understanding what you like and what makes you happy. Now that you know so much more about yourself please make sure any relationship going forward allows you the opportunity to be who you are, be yourself and reach your goals! There is always give and take, but make sure you have a firm understanding of where to draw the line.
Believe me, this is so important! Especially because many of you might be that kind of person that falls in love so easily! I also do… But please you have to follow your values; you have to stay in contact with yourself, your dreams, with your friends! Don’t forget yourself while following someone and trying to attract someone! Use your single time to get to know yourself better and to make sure that you never ever forget yourself (again) and your own care while caring for someone else!
Try to be a bit picky. It’s much too easy to jump right back into a relationship if you’re just out of one, or when you’ve been single for a long period. Don’t do it! Take the opportunity to find someone who truly complements you, whom you have a deep connection with. If you already ‘found yourself’, if you know who you are, if you know your worth and if you really love your life as it is, it should be very easy for you to say no to someone that is not good for you.
Lesson learnt: being single is okay.
Love will find you when it wants to. So don’t waste your energy and your youth trying force a relationship into existence. Your time will come. But in the meantime, go out there and live! Being single can be fun! Take it as a challenge. Learn about yourself. Take chances. Go on trips. Being single doesn’t have to be lonely. It’s a chance to discover what you like, learn more about others, and take your time to find the person of your dreams. So enjoy it!