Old Stuff

THAT’S MODERN DATING or: how to win the love game

About a year ago I became single again after years of being taken. So without any preparation I was pushed into a dating world I wasn’t ready for. In the last few years there popped up new dating trends like ghosting, nettflix and chill, soft nexting and breezing, which I couldn’t handle. Modern dating isn’t easy to face, so let me describe my experience.

It seems to be much “easier” today to meet new people or to get a date as compared to our parents’ area. With only one swipe of your finger, you can choose who every you wanna date. Tinder, OkCupid, Grindr, Her… Just choose your way to go.

I like to call modern dating the love game, because dating today is a big confusing game and if you don’t play by its strange rules, you lose. In the modern dating game the one seems to win that cares the least. We are playing each other out, using each other for our own needs. We act so damn selfish. No one actually gives a fuck about the other anymore; we just want it all for ourselves.

We live in a world where people are afraid of asking for what we want, because we do not know. So instead we keep everyone in a mess of confusion because that’s what modern dating is about. We are swiping on apps not even sure what we are seeking for. We are a generation that is conditioned to never be satisfied and constantly be looking for something better. We are a generation where caring stopped being cool.

We are not really together anymore, “we’re just dating”, which is opening the door for cheating that technically isn’t cheating because we aren’t really together. So it is an excuse for people who fear commitment and don’t know if they want you yet.

It sounds strange and that’s what it is.

Everyone is waiting for the other one to make a move, but the person who does that suddenly loses power. We suddenly care less about the person who shows their interest. Instead we are more interested in the person who keeps us guessing. Who is not caring.

It is because caring less gives you control, makes you stronger. Caring is not cool. So everything is calculated to appear thoughtless, careless.

If I like someone, I want to tell him and spend time with him. That’s it. But in modern dating it cannot be that simple. I have to play according to it’s strange rules. Otherwise I lose. If I ask to hang out two nights in a row, I am clingy. If I text him too much, I am needy. If he takes hours to respond to my message, I have to wait to answer so I don’t seem too eager. And we all are wondering why we still follow this damn rules.

The problem is that we don’t talk about our thoughts and feelings to one another anymore, but instead show no intention of being with that person because it means you care and you are vulnerable. Because, whoever cares the least, wins in this game, right?

Wrong.

You cannot win the love game by not caring. Because you miss all opportunities for a true life, for real, extraordinary relationships, for wonderful, goodhearted people.

So the way you win the modern love game isn’t caring less, it’s stop playing the cool one. As simple as that. The only way of winning this fucking game is stop playing it. Stop beeing little fucks. Find out what it is you want in life. And respect other people enough to let them know about your intention. Tell them the truth about your feelings. If you like someone, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just fucking tell them! Don’t ghost anyone. Don’t disappear and leave people with unanswered texts just because it’s the easiest way for you to avoid any trouble or unpleasant conversations. It’s time for us to wake up and stop using people for our own needs without considering whether our actions could hurt anyone. We are all human and we’re just trying to understand one another, so stop treating each other like shit.

Be honest with other people about how you feel and don’t get so lost in playing this shitty game that you forget that other people have feelings too! Learn how to be yourself again. And respect other people for who they are.

And yes, maybe all of this goes against the rules of a game I’m supposed to play. But seriously, why should I follow the rules of a game I hate? Why should I try to trick a guy into dating me? If we hate the way love is played today, don’t complain about it. Please, just stop playing.

About the Author

blogger, traveller, phd student, enthusiastic about life, love and laughing

(8) Comments

  1. Mr. Big says:

    Reading your blog it reminds of many people I have met in the gay world in the last years. The constant search for the inner truth, for finding out who you are and hoping for the big “true” love to happen, the one that FINALLY completes me.

    Thinking about what you write, it reminds of someone who is using (not abusing) it as a way of self-therapy (in a good way). However, people like you tend to fall for the wrong guys, always. Why? Because on their way, they always feel attracted by the “strong” and presumably very self-centered guys who are mostly just narcists that are perfectly capable of blindfolding others.

    I explicitly love that plea of you:
    “Don’t ghost anyone. Don’t disappear and leave people with unanswered texts just because it’s the easiest way for you to avoid any trouble or unpleasant conversations. It’s time for us to wake up and stop using people for our own needs without considering whether our actions could hurt anyone. We are all human and we’re just trying to understand one another, so stop treating each other like shit.”

    I hope that you will be the exception, who does not need to stumble so many times until you finally give up what you are pleading for.

    However, to give you some feedback from someone simply following your spoken words and thinking about it as a honest reader always would do: think about how you present yourself to the world. The ambiguity of asking for true caring and using social media for the most superficial self-presentation would lead to one conclusion: you might be seeking for answerst to the questions you ask yourself, but you are spending much time to present yourself to the world – presumably in order to snatch applause that gives you what you need: confirmation.

    I think you will find what are looking for as soon as you start to give up on presenting yourself and “begging” the world for some flattering feedback regarding your looks and use that time to really spend time with yourself.

    All the best on your further journey!

  2. Ronny says:

    I love your posts! So true man

  3. This blog is very realistic. It really does happen in today’s society. We are insatiable. We don’t seem to stop seeking for someone who’s better than the one we are dating. The more options we have, the more chance we win, without entirely knowing we are an option too.

  4. php says:

    sometimes you got to taper down on playing too much compter games coz it is quite addictive;;

  5. Quality articles is the main to interest the visitors to go tosee the web page, that’s what this site is providing.

  6. Your blog is wonderful. This essay on dating is so true. Keep it up:)

  7. petertistan says:

    😍yesss

  8. Alam says:

    Oh man! What you said is absolutely true! ! Especially the Grindr era 🙁 Well sometimes I feels like I don’t fit in this game anymore! Just awesome dude !

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