Old Stuff

To the people I hurt while trying to love myself, I apologize.

I am sorry. Before you roll your eyes again and turn away from this, just hear me out. The purpose of this letter is not to make you feel guilty towards me or that I represent myself in a bright light. The purpose of this letter is to acknowledge what I’ve done wrong.

I used to be the friend who would laugh with you all night, who would sit up on the phone listening to your stupid relationship problems, who would support your constantly changing life plans. If I am talking to you now, I am only talking about myself, my problems, my dreams. I am only talking about me.

Loving yourself is important. For some people it’s self-evident to care for themselves. For some people it seems impossible. Some people always try to satisfy someone else’s needs, because they never learned to care for themselves. So I thought that it was finally time for me to focus on myself. I needed to come first. I needed to take care of me, before I could take care of anyone else. When I started trying to love myself it was a hard process. I started focusing on me. Trying to find my dreams and achieve them. Step by step. Today I realize that I was so busy focusing on myself that I forget the people I love and who love me. And that is what I apologize for.

Maybe I was always too damn selfish, too damn focused on myself to see you standing in front of me, wanting nothing more than to be let in, to be listened to, to be understood. And there I was, staring at you, watching but never listening. Never letting you in. It hurts, when I think about you now. It hurts because all that I want to say bites at the back of my throat.

All I want is to open my heart and let you see all the parts I hide because I was always too worried about being perfect than showing you who I really was, who I really am underneath.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for all I said when I shouldn’t have, for all I said too late, and for all that I still haven’t said, even after all this time.

I am sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been. I am sorry for making you feel as if you weren’t worthy of my love. I am sorry that I keep saying sorry instead of just doing something about it. But the truth is, I don’t even know what to do.

I am sorry for saying what was on my mind without considering whether my Argument could hurt you. I am sorry for not texting back when you needed me. I am sorry for lashing out at your face.

I am sorry for creating so much trouble in your life. I am sorry for my confusing feelings, for all of my polarizing actions, and irrationality. I am sorry for only focusing on me, my problems and my dreams while forgetting about you.

All I know today is that when I think about you, I think about smiles. I think about laughter. I think about story books and hilarious nights out and sunshine. Oh, a lot of sunshine. I think about great memories too big they make my heart beat wild and loud.

So I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you more than words can possibly imagine. I want to show you everything, tell you all of my crazy stories, and call you every minute of the day. I want to go back to times when we were so happy and didn’t care about problems and the future. I want to just laugh with you and replay those moments over and over again.

Truly, my dearest friend, I hope you forgive me for all I did I shouldn’t have and for all I should have done but never did.

All I want you to know is that I still care for you; I appreciate you a lot, even if I haven’t reminded you for a long time.

About the Author

blogger, traveller, phd student, enthusiastic about life, love and laughing

(1) Comment

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